The Un-Grocery List

We keep a list in a drawer in the kitchen to add items that we need.  Not everyone uses it.  I try to remember to take it with me to the store, but more often than not it just sits in that drawer waiting for some attention.  Just like the reusable grocery bags I'm supposed to remember.  But now we need a new type of list.  The Un-grocery list.  Here's why.  We had, until yesterday, about 8 bottles of mustard.  Today we are down to 4.  There's a bottle of dijon, a bottle of brown, a bottle of honey, a bottle of grainy and bottle of something that looks kinda brown but just says Mustard, so make it 5.  Still a six-year supply.  We knew we had to do something, so my husband got rid of three bottles of the yellow.  It's not that we were purchasing mustard every time we went to the store - I blame it on the pretzel factory.  When you place a large order they give you a bottle, or 2 or 3.  Apparently we place a lot of large orders.  Now we know.  No more mustard.  And taking out the mustard left room for a few other things, like Buttery-Caramel-Hot Fudge Sauce, and Blueberry Wine!  There are a few other things on the Un-grocery list.
No Chic-Fil-A sauce.  And for the same reasons as above.  Apparently we also place a lot of large orders there too.  And we ask for extra.  That's something else to take off the list too.  Extra.  We don't need extra.  No extra large, no extra pickles, no extra whipped cream.  Maybe just some extra vinegar on my hoagie - that wouldn't hurt.
No Toilet paper.  Ever since my friend told me a story about how she ran out of toilet paper at her daughter's graduation party and they had to send someone out to get some, I panicked about toilet paper.  So I started auto-ordering it on amazon.  Now there is rarely ever never a need for more toilet paper.  It's on auto-refill, or whatever it's called.
No Paper towels.  I added them to the auto order at amazon too, but we go through about 1/10 the amount of paper towels as toilet paper.  Gotta take that off the list.
No Cereal.  With my four kids I find it hard to keep up with who-likes-what.  Ribs?  Who likes them?  Kiwis?  Can't remember who.  Bagels?  No idea.  But I was really proud of myself when I cracked the code to who-likes-what-cereal.  I didn't just buy their favorite, I bought like 6 boxes - on sale!  And I set up a rack in the basement so everyone had their favorite on hand at all times.  The thing about cereal is that after several mornings of consuming the exact same cereal as you did last week, you get tired of that cereal.  And after consuming that exact same cereal as you did last month, you get sick of that cereal.  And when you go down the basement to find something different, you are very disappointed because it is all just more of the same.  And after the cereal sits down there so long, it's either expired or stale or both.  So I am taking Cinnamon Toast Crunch off the list.  We are done.  At least for now.  In a few months they'll ask me, "Why don't you buy CTC anymore?"  Ugh.
So there you have it - the No list.
I remember a few years ago learning how good it is to say no.  No to all the things you think you need.  Real Simple.  I thought it meant to say no to the external forces taking up our time and our money.  Just say no to more cereal, one more committee, one more volunteer project, one more meeting, one more thing that you didn't want to spend your time on or one more thing that didn't need to spend your money on.   Just say no.  Say no to people who only want something from you, who don't truly care about you.  Done.  That was easy.  But the thing is now that I have a bit more free time because I am not as consumed with my kids' crazy schedules, I kind of miss the projects.  I kind of miss some of the people too.  Maybe they did care?  Maybe they didn't just want something from me and just needed me?  Maybe its time to say yes to some of them again.
The things I am learning to put on my No List now are the internal things. The things that I create in my own head.  I have a soundtrack in my mind that plays over and over again.  "Why did I say that? What was I thinking?  Why didn't I say this?"  And this soundtrack plays on repeat a lot.  So many conversations I walk away from play over and over.  Well, no more.  Same for what other people say to me.  I can replay those words that someone said to me months ago and wonder, "Why did she say that?  What did that mean?"  Apparently a lot of people slip and say things they don't mean to.  I have to give her a break and give it a break.  One of the Four Agreements is don't take anything personally.   Well, I didn't think I did, I was just replaying it over and over.  Isn't that exactly what that means?
And maybe you saw this coming, but I am way too critical.  I analyze and analyze and analyze.  I learned how in college.  I was an English major.  We spent two hours on one sentence and what it could possibly mean!  I can only imagine what would have happened to me if I were a Psychology major!  Oh my gosh!  I don't even want to think about it.  I would analyze the sidewalk... "She's very strong but she's got a heart of stone."  (I am not bashing English majors or Psychology majors,  just saying I don't think it would be good for me...) I don't think I'm judgmental.  I believe in you do you and life your own life and raise your kids the way you want and all that, but I'm pretty critical.  It starts with myself.  I shouldn't have worn these shoes, is my hair alright, am I sitting up straight, am I being a good mom, a good wife, a good daughter, a good friend?  I "shoulda, coulda, woulda" from dawn to dusk.  It goes on and on.  And we do this to kids too, starting in kindergarten.  "If you could rewrite the ending what would it be?  If you were that character, how would you have acted?" all in the name of critical thinking, which is good to a point.  But I can't stop.  It could be better if I did this or that and I will keep going.  For example, after I finished cleaning up the front of the house this summer, I couldn't stop.  I had started with two simple projects to do: weed and plant.  Maybe buy a new pot of colorful flowers.  Simple, right?  No, no, no.  Two projects turned into about 18 projects.  I power-washed, I replanted, I moved paver stones, I tore out trees (trees! well the boys tore out the trees), I repainted.  It was creative in a way, until it started not being fun.  The worst part is... drum roll... I can't decide what house numbers to put up (there are like 9 million styles of house numbers) because I don't want to make the wrong decision!  So guess what?!   There is a PIECE OF PAPER taped, yes, TAPED, to the front door with our house number on it in marker, because you have to have your house number displayed. That is just wonderful.  And the funny part is this - two of the trees died! because I didn't take my time.  Wait, there I go again!  I'm way too critical.  And it of course doesn't stop there, it doesn't stop with me.  I criticize others too.  And I shouldn't.  So I'm going to stop.  Done.  The No List.
There are other things I should stop doing too, but I'm going to stop being so critical. I'm going to take it one step at a time.  And I am already getting better.  I only weeded today.  Nothing more.  That's all it needed.  And it left room for other stuff.