Burned

 During the weeks of holiday preparations, I found myself rushing about like we all do. But this year I was more conscious of trying to slow down - not to change my pace, or shorten my list of to-dos, but to be aware of my movement. It's because this year I'm feeling old. Maybe not totally old, but I'm really thinking about the idea that an accident could throw everything into chaos. If I fell down the steps, if I cut myself, if I burned myself. So I had to whisper these little reminders as I went about my day, "Don't forget to use the potholder!" "Be careful with that knife!" "Hold the railing when you walk down the stairs!" I was talking to myself like I would a 3-year-old! What has happened to me? It's this new hyperawareness that things aren't always in my control, but also that I have to take each step one at a time. 

So this worked for me. The list was complete. The cookies didn't burn. The knives were all back in order. The laundry didn't trip me up. I was injury free! Up until the day after Christmas. I was slicing some bread to make garlic bread for dinner, not uttering these little warnings to myself, and it happened. I sliced right through my finger. Well, not the whole finger, but a pretty deep cut. I still managed to sit through dinner, wrapped in paper towels and an ice pack, debating whether or not to go to urgent care. It seemed like it would never stop bleeding. But then, it did. My husband got me some liquid band-aid and butterfly strips and we wrapped it up and it stopped bleeding. I kept it covered and protected for a few days and it began to heal. Miraculously. Today you can't even see it. 

It's this way with our hearts too. Over the last few years, I've felt like my heart is bleeding. For so many reasons. Our world, our earth, our relationships, our families, our leaders, our children, and our health. One thing that has been heavy on my heart is my career, or I would even call it my vocation. I have loved teaching since I was in school myself. I felt I had a purpose in my life and it was something I fell passionately in love with. However, things have changed. Without going into details, I fell out of love. Some people call it burnout. I felt burned. There were so many wonderful parts of my work, but they couldn't carry me through anymore. It was like a blister that swelled and spread. I couldn't do anything about it either. I tried mindfulness, I talked with other teachers, I watched all the funny teachers on Instagram making fun of the same things that were bothering me. Nothing worked. So how do you heal? I think it's the same way that my finger healed. Cover, comfort, and protect. 

Cover. I feel like right now I am covering myself. I am hiding. Taking myself out of the heat. It's helpful. I no longer feel as vulnerable. So nothing else gets in - no infection or toxicity.

Comfort. I'm doing little things each day to find some solace. Wrapping myself in blankets. Spending time with my kids. Arranging flowers. Reading good books. Taking baths. It's working. I can breathe.

Protect. We hear a lot about boundaries these days. I never really thought about them before, but when I look back I did establish boundaries, sometimes more effectively than others. Boundaries build good relationships, just like good fences build good neighbors. Here I am in my fifties finally learning these lessons. 

Someday my heart will stop bleeding. It will heal and maybe months from now I won't even remember this pain, just like with my finger. I know so many people going through really difficult things right now. I know your heart may be bleeding. I hope this helps. I hope you know you can cover yourself up in whatever way you need to. Hide. Runaway. Lock yourself in the bathroom. Cry in the shower. I hope you find things and people to comfort you. Eat chocolate. Buy yourself an ice cream cone. Drink the whole bottle of wine. Or not. Call an old friend who knows you better than anybody. I hope you know you have permission to protect yourself in whatever way you need to to keep going. Say no. Tell someone to go to hell! Or not. Surround yourself with the people who love you. Cry on someone's shoulder. Allow people in who make you stronger and better. Someday you will stop bleeding too.