Hope

Last night I was talking to my mother on the phone. Gone are the days when I could run or walk the dog over to visit her for a quick chat or a cup of tea. How did that happen so quickly? As she and I talked about everyone's health, (mental health, too) she remarked that she hasn't done a thing all week and she didn't know why. She had been meaning to put away the Saint Patrick's Day decor (my mother decorates her mantle with a monthly theme as if she still taught second grade, and it's a big hit with the family) but she hadn't touched it. I told her that I have been meaning for three days to clean out the closet of all our winter gear, which we never actually used, and I just couldn't. We are in survival mode, I told her. This is one of the favorite things I've learned from my kids playing MineCraft, that you can play in Survival Mode or Creative Mode, and right now we are playing in Survival Mode. That means that instead of organizing the winter closet, I organized our stash of food and realized that what I thought would last a month might only last a few days. Then it was on to Acme online to try to find some things that would sustain us. It really sounds like a video game, but it's our new reality. Creative Mode will have to wait. The winter gear and the shamrocks are just going to be there a while.

I don't pretend to know something more than anyone else, but I do know that we will return to Creative Mode one day. I also know that right now I just can't. I sit down to read and I turn on the news instead. I try to send an encouraging text, but I complain about the virus and what it's doing to our family. I think about painting or trying something new, but I can't get past the NYT news scroll. I try to make lunch and I burn the grilled cheese! This is not who I used to be! I was pretty good at grilled cheese. So the kids are scraping off the crusts and I'll try again tomorrow. And I'll learn to be patient, with myself, with my mother, with the kids, and with the stove.

We are in for a long haul it seems and there are lessons everywhere. Inside the shamrocks and winter coats and grilled cheese are some lessons. Maybe we can all lower our expectations a bit. Who cares if the leprechauns are out in April? Who cares if the coats are piled up in the closet? Who cares if the grilled cheese isn't pin-worthy? I hope that I can lower expectations for myself and those around me and enjoy the glimpses of hope when I see them. No one complained about the grilled cheese! That's a sign of hope! There are lots of signs of spring, but it feels false to enjoy them right now. Enjoy them, hope in them anyway! Part of Survival is having that hope. And hope is the thing that will get us back into our Creative Mode. Seeing the light even if we can't see the end of the tunnel. That hope is what will get us all through this. Hope anyway.