Wrinkles

Turning 50 was not as traumatic as I expected. I am really not upset about the wrinkles, all earned and deserved. Some laugh lines, some cry lines, some from maybe a little too much sun. I was the generation that drenched our skin with baby oil to tan. We just didn't know. An SPF of 2 or 4 or 6 was considered pretty healthy. As for the laugh lines, as Martina McBride says, "Every laugh line on your face, made you who you are today!" so I can't begrudge those. As for the cry lines, I learned lessons from every one and those have taught me compassion, so I can't trade those in.

What concerns me about my age and my face is the R.B.F. - resting b**** face. If I were to get botox, it would be simply to eliminate the '11' between my eyebrows. After 23 years of teaching, I have acquired an official Teacher Look, one that comes in pretty handy. I don't even need to say anything to the Mischievous Ones, I just give them the Look. But the look comes at a price, that price being that I am not purposely wearing that look on Friday night when I go out with my husband. It's just that for the last 60 hour work week (yes, a teacher's work week is that long) I've been wearing that face. I am really not upset - about anything! Except maybe the fact that my face has been sculpted into one basic emotion - the 'get-back-to-work' emotion that I use on students. Or when I'm grading papers, the 'what-were-you-thinking' look. 

Apparently, though, I do show a little too much expression on my face. I not only wear my heart on my sleeve, I wear every thought on my face. So when I'm worried, people know. When I'm happy or sad or disappointed people know. My 3-year-old niece asked me why I was sad, and I was merely squinting at the sun, but she knew - I was a little sad. When I watched the replays of the Apollo going to the moon, I was so worried! And they'd already done it! We never would have gone if I were in charge! Thank God I wasn't there - I would have worried too much. And I know I'm not the only one. Even when I go to the grocery store, I see women whom I've never met before looking so sad, so worried about the decision they are about to make. I want to tap them on the shoulder and say, "Relax - It's okay, it's only ketchup!" but I'll probably look so worried when I say it that they'll run away from me. So what can I do about these lines and these faces? I've decided: (and since it's July, it's easy to decide these things) I am not going to worry anymore.

Yep, I said it - I am done with worrying. Even God doesn't want us to worry! Even song writers don't want us to worry and when God and song writers agree, maybe we should listen. In fact every great and ancient spiritual teaching tells us not to worry. So I am giving it up. All the things I think I have to worry about - I'm done. I'm not worrying about our nation, I'm not worrying about the environment, I'm not worrying about my job, I'm not worrying about my kids or my parents or my family. I'm not worrying about other people and their problems. Even when I try to show empathy, I end up worrying others even more. My kids know when I'm over-worrying and over-analyzing their lives and I'm sure it drives them crazy. So no more. I will work to change what I can, but after that, I'm not worrying. Maybe the work is too close to the worry, too much like worrying. But I will do my share. 

I am not trying to be glib about it, but worrying is just not worth it. In our society today, teenage and even pre-teen anxiety is at an all time high. Kids are being diagnosed with depression at alarming rates. I'm not saying this to make you worry, I'm saying it because we have to consider where it is coming from. No one in the video games they watch and play is worrying, even in the face of death, so that can't be it. (I do realize and accept that video games cause their own set of trouble, obviously) But the worry - it's coming from adults.  A friend of mine reminded me of this when I told him about one of my children being worried. He asked, "Well, doesn't he see that you worry?" That really hit home. I have tried to shield my children from some of the more adult things to worry about - but my children are very nearly young adults. And they are adept at reading their mother. They do see that I worry. They hear me saying things about problems and trying to avoid problems and trying to solve problems. Of course they are going to worry when it is modeled so perfectly for them day after day. It has to stop somewhere. 

So, as I enter my 50th year, I am going to make a commitment: not to worry and not to worry those around me. I am going to focus on all the wonderful I see around me - whatever it may be. Whether the sun is shining or the rain is raining, it is all good. If you are facing challenges, good. If you are afraid and need to be brave, good. If you are happy as a clam, good. If you are going to start something brand new that no one has ever done before, good. Don't worry about it. 

Maybe when I let my worries go, my wrinkles, the ones from worry at least, will start to go too. Even in my classroom, I can leave my teacher look behind. I can focus on the kids who are reading and are writing, and I know that eventually the others will follow suit. When we begin to look at all the good in the world, in ourselves, in each other, in our children, they will each begin to see it too.  I'll save my teacher look for later - maybe for when I'm 70.  But for now, I'm not going to worry about it.