Let's Talk About Happy Things

I grew up in a family of seven, five kids and two loving parents. But I also had a large extended family of grandparents, countless cousins, and aunts and uncles. We had our share of heartaches like any family. I remember books lying around with titles like, When Bad Things Happen to Good People and I'm OK, You're OK and If Life's a Bowl of Cherries, What Am I Doing in the Pits? Our kitchen table was a constant host to not just family, but also friends of my mother, who shared stories of joy, pain, and conflict about all of life's ups and downs. As she said, "My teapot is always on", and the back door was always open, literally. Friends would gather to lend an ear, share worries, or offer support. My brother was the frequent topic of conversation, sad conversations about his health and questions about his recovery from the next round of treatments and surgery. I can remember images from when I was very young of my mother crying in a teacup. Yet whenever all that could be said was said, all the talk had been talked out of them, and someone was ready to leave, my mother would inevitably say, "Let's talk about happy things!" and they would make sure to leave on a good note, a funny comment, a word of reassurance. Usually it was the notion that it would soon be summer and we would be gathered down the shore, and "the beach would still be there". My mother applied this helpful reassurance to us when we faced obstacles as well. "It's almost over," "You're doing good," "Keep on going," or my least favorite, "Things could always be worse." Then there was my father's advice, "Drop back and punt." Anyway, things always seemed a little better after talking them through and trying to focus on the positive. I use the same techniques with my children. When they were young and had to get shots at the doctor's, I asked them to picture the beach, or whatever made them happy. They were some of the few patients who really never cried getting shots! Then they were so proud of themselves afterward. Not that they never cried, or that I didn't want them to cry, but the visualization worked.

We know this to be true. Throughout history, every major religion has fostered the idea of prayer and positive belief systems to help us through life. Have faith. Now mindfulness and meditation are hot topics, proven to cure almost any ailment. Positive Psychology is a graduate degree program at the University of Pennsylvania. I know my mother never had a course in Positive Psychology, and neither did St. Ignatius, founder of the Jesuits, back in the 16th century. Yet they know a profound secret to combat human suffering: focus on the positive in life. Their faith keeps (kept) them focused on the good that God wants us to have in our lives. Dr. Barbara Fredrickson concurs: "Positive emotions play an essential role in our survival. Positive emotions, like love, joy, and gratitude, promote new and creative actions, ideas, and social bonds. When people experience positive emotions, their minds broaden and they open up to new possibilities and ideas."

Let's talk about happy things.

So why now? When I returned to the classroom in 2007, after a few years pursuing personal and various professional goals, I was shocked by the kind of negativity that had overtaken even the most basic conversations. Sixth-grade classrooms sounded like and reflected the popular culture of Simon Cowell and "You're fired!" It was to be expected. American Idol hit the air in 2002, followed by The Apprentice in 2004. A trickle-out theory of life reflecting art had taken hold. Now the language of the day was, "I'm just being honest," "It's for your own good", and innocent sixth graders thought that was okay. Ironic, because when I had started in the classroom back in 1991, the language we used was to foster self-esteem and build up rather than tear down. I can't help but think that the purveyors of this new talk, of reproach, embarrassment, condemnation, confrontation, interrogation, and demoralization of peers never had any self-esteem to begin with. The sad thing is, most of us thought maybe it had some merit. We sat back and laughed, happy that we weren't the recipients of such harsh words. And now a new idea is emerging, Grit. You've got to take the bad, learn from it, and move on. If you're not successful, you just don't have the right character traits. Toughen up, have grit, and be happy. I would like to argue that this is not the true intention of Positive Psychology. Positivity of mind encourages all of us to act out of love for others. Relationship building is key to ensuring the success of everyone, not just one's ability to endure and persevere through hardships. If we are listening to someone berate us, we better be sure that someone is worth listening to and has our best interests at heart, not just his own. So, in response, in 2004, came the book How Full is Your Bucket?, and in 2009, How Full Is Your Bucket For Kids, a small book about being kind. Parents were torn, do I push my kid to have grit or do I worry about filling his bucket all day? It's tough - so much supposed "research" and so much at stake. What is a parent to do? Well, Let's talk about happy things.

Kids love to talk about Happy Things: Shoes and shoelaces, birds and birdfeeders, pizza and parties. I have overheard the best conversations about Velcro as if the kids are mini-researchers on the application, use, and purpose of Velcro. They can't get over the fact that there is velcro on their shoes and on the laundry sorter used for recycled objects! I have heard conversations about Coffee Cake and whether or not it tastes the same as coffee - this was a big deal! Isn't that an intriguing question for a six-year-old who has never tasted coffee? The hard part for us is thinking of these things as valuable or important. We rush our children along, ignoring their cries for Happy Talk. The sad thing is they learn from that too: that we don't value Happy Talk as important or necessary and we teach them that there are more important things, like how they did on their history test or what they want to be when they grow up. I am learning that I should never dismiss Happy Talk. I not only need to pay attention to it, but I need to model and coach around it. When I posed the question, "What do you like to do in your pajamas?" to my first graders, each child smiled and giggled as we went around the room sharing ideas and it became a novelty. These conversations should not be novelties, especially in our world of turmoil and upheaval. These conversations should be our shield, our reprieve from the assaults of the world, the media, and just too much information. We can talk about the beach, about bike riding, about nearly anything that brings us joy, and when we do we build the necessary, vital connections and increase endorphins and serotonin and all the other things that Positive Psychologists have long known, all the way back to Aristotle. Then we can build on that. Acts of kindness, physical health, and wellness, positive relationships toward others, will all fall into place. Maybe it can heal our world.

I'm making time each day now for Happy Talk, with my own kids, with my students. You can look up the lyrics to Happy Talk from South Pacific, one of my all-time favorite movies. "Talk about a moon floating in the sky..." I think my mother was really on to something. My son knows this too. He says, "Whenever you talk to Marmee, she's happy. And then you tell her something and she just gets happier!"