the mud

 Here is a little prayer I've been saying as I go to sleep, or anytime I want to just refocus and ground myself in the moment. There are a few variations you can use to begin the prayer.  I breathe into my... Mind and headspace I breathe into my eyes and face I breathe into my jaw and neck I breathe into my clavicle and shoulders My arms and elbows, forearms and wrists, hands and fingers. I breathe into my heart and ribs, I breathe into my organs and stomach, I breathe into my hips and back, I breathe into my legs, and knees, shins and ankles, feet and toes.  With each breath, I try to focus on sending oxygen through my body and as I do I relax my muscles. I find it calming and quieting. You could focus on any parts of your body. I use eyes because my eyes always feel tired at the end of the day. My hips and back are prone to soreness. Sometimes I pray down my body and I'm done or I'll go back 'Up' my body and say it in reverse. It kind of flushes out the aches and ...

 Yesterday I got a call from Annie. I no longer worry so much when a kid calls out of the blue. I don't know why. Anything could happen, right? But a part of me trusts that things are going to be okay. Again, I don't know why. I guess I'm still learning to trust my children, now that they are in their 20s. Trust is so important to our relationships with kids. I think I'm learning to do it better each day, each year. Or maybe it's something we have to learn over and over as they grow. I remember when Jay was in high school and he was a little shifty about something, and I knew he was struggling with making the right choice, and ultimately he did. I learned to trust him and through high school, I was like, "He's got this. He knows what to do." But now I kind of fear each new milestone in a way. "Now that he's off to college, is he going to do the right thing?" "Now that they are on their own, are they going to know what to do?" ...

Our cushions on our couch always reveal what's been going on. When Charlie and Matt were here together over spring break, the indents in the couch in the family room showed how they'd been hanging out or up all night or even sleeping there. The pillows get tossed to the floor and they are free to lounge wherever. The blankets tell the story of how long they were there. Twisted up - usually a long time. Gently tossed but not totally unfolded - usually a short sit. The pillows and cushions on other couches are usually moved only a little. In the living room, the pillows get pushed aside when we have a quick conversation while waiting for someone to get ready or on our way out the door, but they don't really retain any imprint of an extended stay. When cleaning the office, I'll move the pillow to the center where it sits up nicely. Jason will move it to the end to take a little nap and it folds gently against the arm of the couch. In our 'coffee chairs' in the kitc...

  When you read those words, what came to mind? Was it visions of lush greenery in an open field? Soft lamps and candles lighting the indoors? Blankets piled on a soft couch? A bunch of ingredients that you are putting together for dinner. What do you surround yourself with? Who do you surround yourself with?  I've been thinking about this. When we were in California, we were surrounded by others who were on vacation, happy to wake up each morning looking forward to a day of adventure and promise. We were surrounded by beautiful rolling rocky hills with various trees growing here and there. All of it brought out another part of us - a part that hadn't been before. We were surrounded by fields of vines upon vines, some old and gnarly and some thin and tallish. And mustard flowers, believe it or not. They say the Jesuits brought the mustard to the Napa and Sonoma Valleys and sprinkled them around. The mustard enriches the grapes grown for wine, so they still grow it. Every row o...

 Everyone seems to be talking about cutting back. Cutting back on calories, cutting back on wine, cutting back on spending, cutting back on work, even quiet quitting, which I tried a little. Cutting back is good, but then there's a voice that says, No, Do more! and I become confused. What is all this supposed to mean? I remember telling my kids they had no excuses to do less. They had full bellies and a loving home and everything they needed - no need to do less with all they had. I have the same privilege, so how can I cut back, and still follow my own advice. What's my excuse for doing less?  While I am trying to cut back on social media, I started following this wonderful gardener on Instagram who visits random (seemingly) gardens and offers just a bit of advice on how to care for things. One thing in gardening that is perplexing to me is how to care for hydrangeas. Some you are supposed to cut back, like way back. And so I've hacked away at these 3 bushes we have and ea...

the mud: Unexpected :  So after a wonderful visit with my son, I'm a little behind in writing and have some catching up to do. There were so many days when I ...

 So after a wonderful visit with my son, I'm a little behind in writing and have some catching up to do. There were so many days when I should have written and even wanted to write, but was just too tired or caught up in things that I didn't. Anyway, last week I wrote Expecting. Today, it's the Unexpected.  After flying into San Francisco, we stayed in a little inn in Sonoma for the first few nights. (I may blog more about our trip later because there is so much to share, but I'll save it for another time) We met some people and it was lovely. What we didn't expect is that one of the couples from the hotel would be on our tour in Napa, on a little bus through the hills and vineyards, but there they were. And what we didn't expect was that while we are from very different places, they are from Montana and we are from NJ, we would have so much in common and would very quickly become friends. We hope to visit them one day! Expect the unexpected! And while the weath...

Yesterday I traveled cross country with my husband to visit our son. It was a little bit of a bumpy ride with heavy winds much of the way. But it was so amazing to look into his eyes, to see him in his own place, to see where my son now lives. Since he moved here last summer I had visions in my head of what it would be like. Well it is far more lovely than I imagined. As we walked down his street to a cafe the newly wet streets were coated in fresh blossoms of I don’t know what but it smelled divine. I could go on and on but the lesson I believe is that we travel, we land, we imagine what could be. It could be far more than you imagine.  Where are you? Where are you going? Imagine big! Even if it’s bumpy you’ll get there. 

the mud: Nourishment :  Thank you for continuing on this Lenten journey with me. I appreciate you being here and I hope you are finding something that speaks to yo...

 Thank you for continuing on this Lenten journey with me. I appreciate you being here and I hope you are finding something that speaks to you. What do I need? What do I want? What do I feel? All of these questions are important to ask ourselves and our children, our spouses, and our friends. We find deep connection when we ask them.  But for today I want to pose another question: What do I eat? Part of Lenten rituals regards abstaining from certain foods on Ash Wednesday, Fridays, and the Easter Triduum, the 3 days leading up to Easter. Some people think this is nonsense, that what we eat shouldn't be a sacrifice. I remember a teacher in high school saying that the fishermen in Ireland wanted the Pope to make meatless Fridays because they wanted to increase the fishing industry in Ireland. I have no idea if that's true, but maybe? In our house, we try not to cook fresh meat, we sometimes order pizzas (which is not a sacrifice at all, haha), but lately we've just been eating...

Often we hear about how important it is to grow, stretch our wings, reach out. I've heard from astrology friends that the planets are aligned in a new way right now and that this is an incredible time to bring new things into our lives. But what? you ask. What am I trying to do, what am I trying to grow toward? The only way to answer that is to be grounded, to be deeply rooted in who we are. Then we'll know where to grow, how to grow, and what we need.  So how do we get there? First, we have to go back to what we wanted as young 20-somethings. What were you dreaming of then? How has your life matched those goals? How has it veered off course? Are there dreams that have been dormant? Just lingering beneath the surface? When we connect back to our truest selves, the ones that existed before kids, before marriage, before time and life took a toll on us, what does that self still yearn for? Going back to our roots, connecting to our inner child, our inner voice will encourage us to...

 Yesterday for lunch I made Campbell's Beef Barley soup. It was way in the back of the cabinet and I thought I'd just clean it out. Making the soup reminded me of the time when I first found out I was pregnant. During that pregnancy, I craved Campbell's Beef Barley soup, so much so that I drove half an hour to a store to get some. We lived in farm country then and of course, we didn't have uber eats, so we had to go out and fend for ourselves. The funny thing is, it was exactly 25 years ago. Making the soup yesterday for lunch took me right back to that time. Sometimes I wonder what it is that jogs these memories - the light, the air, the temperatures outside, the season, the smells? Anyway, I remember that time - being so careful of everything, careful about moving, careful about sleeping, careful about working too much, careful about lifting or carrying anything, careful about what I ate and drank. The doctor wanted me to take it easy., not traveling, not standing on ...

 Sometimes there is nothing so gratifying as cleaning. Today I tried to clean a pair of pants that I love but that have a stain. And a pair of Annie's sneakers that seem to be in vogue right now and that I want to wear for a trip.  I watched a video on how to clean these stains. I got out a bunch of supplies. I still have about a gallon of hydrogen peroxide from the pandemic, when we thought we'd never have enough cleaning supplies to fight the virus. And a handy dandy toothbrush to gently scrub the hell out of the stain. It may have worked; it may not have. The pants are soaking and then I'll run them through the wash. The sneakers came up nice with a little cleaning sponge but I still have to wash the shoelaces. It felt good to do something menial and focused. You definitely don't need to worry about much when cleaning a pair of sneakers.  Cleaning is part of Lent too. My. mother used to banish us to our rooms on Good Friday to clean between the hours of 12 and 3. Wha...

Kate Bowler has this wonderful little book, No Cure for Being Human.  In it she has this little page of Cliches we hear and truths we need.   " Things People Say: Carpe diem!  A More Complicated Truth: I mean yes, unless you need a nap." I just love the honesty with which she tells her story. The story of what it means to be human.  Our world is so busy telling us what we need. You need to get fit, you need to sleep more, you need to eat this, drink that. You need to have this supplement, this hairstyle, this dress. It is inundating and overwhelming. I think one of the gifts that comes with age is the ability to focus on what's truly a need. I was finding myself caught up in the self-help messages telling me I need to wake up at 4:30am to start my days. Well, that is not happening. I get up early enough. I don't need to get up earlier. I can do my fitness routine at 4:30 pm and that is just fine. And by fitness routine, I usually mean lying down on a cushy mat, ...

the mud: Grief : I read an article from Maria Shriver's Sunday Paper  the other day about our young adults - the 20-somethings in our world and how they ...

I read an article from Maria Shriver's Sunday Paper  the other day about our young adults - the 20-somethings in our world and how they are not doing so well. It's called a crisis of connection.  Here's another article  about parents worried about their children I found while searching for that. All this mental health crisis is creating its own sense of loss and adversity. So we look for causes and try to diagnose what exactly is happening here. Of course, I think the first thing I reach for is blaming the pandemic. I admit there are so many other factors, including screen time and social media, but in my mind the biggest culprit seems to be the pandemic. For obvious reasons, it was a horrific time in our world. Deaths, sickness, masking, staying home, locking down, wiping everything, not trusting anything, the list goes on and on. And there was nothing we could do.  But I think there is something we can do now, in fact, something we must do in order to heal. We can ...

the mud: Hope :  It's been cloudy here a lot lately. Weird temperature fluctuations have me wondering each morning what to wear. There's been lots o...

 It's been cloudy here a lot lately. Weird temperature fluctuations have me wondering each morning what to wear. There's been lots of rain and not one snowflake all winter. It's quite depressing. But there is a glimmer of hope. The warmer weather today means my walk won't be encumbered by a heavy hat and mittens that I don't know whether to keep on or take off. Hope works that way.  But lately, I feel like I am clinging on to hope, sometimes it's more like clawing onto it, my fingernails clutching any glimmer of hope. Watching the news, worried about everything, seeing the clouds of smoke over Ohio that some think will just go away, I grasp for whatever lifeline is thrown my way. When I feel this way, I'm reminded that I need to let up a little because what I'm really holding onto is the fear. Part of hope is seeking it, part of hope is praying , and part of it is acting . I can do each of these things and each step gets me closer to realizing what I ho...

 Last night I ran to Target to get lettuce for Taco Tuesday. It wouldn't be the same if we didn't have tacos and I didn't want to disappoint Charlie. Charlie doesn't even live here right now, but for some reason, it is important to continue these traditions and be able to tell him that we had Tacos on Tuesday.  Anyway, in Target there was a whole display of seed packets, brightly colored, shiny packets, with pictures of everything from Okra to peas to sunflowers to Sweet Williams. I stood there a moment holding my lettuce. The packets were nicely organized and so appealing. The sun in the pictures made the flowers glisten just so. It's hard to believe these little envelopes could contain so much goodness inside.  I know we've heard this analogy before - water that which you want to grow , and plant seeds of kindness, but for some reason last night it struck me differently. Sometimes it's messy. My garden right now is a mess. We removed the old tomato plants...